What is this Feeling?
by dandelioness
Summary: College AU: In which Jo is exceedingly and unusually peculiar and altogether quite impossible to describe. AKA, the one where Jo is aromantic asexual and she and Jess are college roommates and eventually become queerplatonic life partners.


_A/N: So this takes place in the same universe as my Dean/Cas story Never Dare Believe; so background Bobby/Ellen, brief Sam/Jess. It started out as just me exploring how Jo and Jess would've gotten together and just grew a lot bigger than I thought it would. It's pretty tame, though I'm warning for an incident of sexual harassment/nonconsensual touching, and there's hints of the angst that can go along with being asexual/queer in general. Per usual, none of these lovely characters belong in any way to me, neither do the lyrics, though Wicked truly is an awesome musical and you should go listen to the soundtrack now, yay!_

_Now_

When Jo and Sam were in the ninth grade, Sam joined the high school drama club and entered a two-year phase of obsession with musical theatre. Jo entered a phase where she liked to tease Sam that he was gayer than his brother, which was impressive, since Dean actually sucked dick.

As punishment, Sam dragged her and Dean both to a performance of _Wicked_ during Christmas break of sophomore year. Though she never stopped bitching at Sam for making her go, Jo ended up buying the soundtrack and listening to it on repeat for two weeks – until Mom told her that if she heard "Popular" one more time, she would commit mass homicide.

The reason Jo's thinking about this right now, as she drops her dusty, ancient suitcases on the floor of her freshman dorm at Stanford, is not, in fact, because Mom has just threatened to commit mass homicide again (something about the parent icebreaker games is starting to get to her). No, it's because the first time she lays eyes on her roommate, Jo can't help but think, _there's been some confusion over rooming here at Shiz_….

_Fall, kindergarten_

At recess, Jo sat in a circle with Pam, Ava, and Sarah, grumpy and fidgeting because the boys wouldn't let her play kickball with them. When Jo had started shouting about it, Pam had taken her hand and dragged her over to the other girls, saying boys were stupid anyway. Jo agreed. But the girls were stupid, too – all they were talking about was who they were going to marry when they grew up.

Ava and Sarah were fighting over who got to marry Sam, which Jo thought was hilarious because Sam was, well, _Sam_ – short and goofy with ridiculous hair, and _Jo's_ best friend, thank you very much, so didn't she get a say in the whole thing? Anyway, Pam said they should _both_ marry him, which shut them up, and explained that _she_ was gonna marry Ash and Dean (_really?_ Jo thought, _Dean? Why would anybody want to marry _Dean?) and Mr. Henrikson and Mr. Singer, too, maybe, even though he was always gonna be sad about Mrs. Singer. Jo rolled her eyes, a habit Mom hated, and Ava and Sarah decided that if they both married Sam they'd be like _sisters_ and that would be awesome.

Jo just shrugged and said she was never getting married.

_Now_

Jessica Moore is perfect in the way that's really fucking intimidating. She's California tan and curvy in all the right places, round face framed by golden-blonde hair tumbling in perfect waves down her back, blue eyes crinkling as she flashes a white smile. She's even got this stupid little mole between her eyebrows. She's gorgeous in a soft white dress and she greets Jo with the most enthusiastic hello Jo's ever heard.

Jo kinda wants to hate her on sight.

But when their mothers have been bundled off to a welcome talk from the college president or someone and the girls are unpacking, Jess cheerily says, "Oh, wow – awesome! Are those throwing knives?"

Jo nods silently, clutching her case of her father's knives tightly in her surprise. Jess' grin gets bigger.

"Can you teach me?"

And Jo doesn't hate her at all.

_Winter, fifth grade_

The way it worked was this: Sam and Jo were best friends and Cas and Dean were best friends and because of the rules of being brothers, Jo and Sam got to hang out with Dean and Cas. That was just the way things were.

Except not anymore because Dean had taken like twelve extra stupid pills last month or something and was now dating Cas' older sister Anna. So now Dean was acting like he was way too busy to hang out with them, as if being in _high school_ now hadn't already made him all high-and-mighty and too cool to hang out with _kids_ or whatever already. And Cas was acting all pissy because Dean was basically his only friend and now his own sister had stolen him. _And_ Sam was whining for the same reason and basically the whole thing was just stupid.

And obviously, this made everything suck, and Jo was complaining about it one night at home. Her dad just laughed and asked if Jo was jealous because Dean was hanging out with another girl? Jo looked at him like he was crazy (because he _was_), and told him that she was never going to date anybody if it made you this stupid.

Mom snorted and said, "Good, that'll save me a few shotgun shells when you're a teenager."

But Dad just laughed again and gave her a hug, saying, "You'll change your mind when you're older."

_Now_

"God, I fucking hate college," Jo groans into the phone one night at the end of her first week at Stanford.

_"I kinda thought you might,"_ Dean says, completely unsurprised somewhere in South Dakota. Why he's in South Dakota is beyond Jo; as far as she knows, the place has less to offer than friggin Kansas.

"Thanks," she says after a second, because she really is grateful. "Everyone else has been telling me to calm down and give it a chance or some shit." Everyone else being her mother (who, okay, is justified in that she co-signed the loan that basically sold Jo's life away) and Sam (who, the nerd, is having the time of his life and keeps dismissing Jo's complaints out of hand).

_"Hey, some people just aren't cut out for that uppity academia bullshit."_ She can hear Dean's smug shrug in the rustle of cloth on the other line; imagines she can hear the happiness he's gained in almost four years of life on the road, on his own. What goes unspoken is, _and you've always been more like me than like Sam_.

Jo's not exactly sure when Sam stopped being her best friend and she found herself confiding in his older brother instead, but it wasn't until after Dean left. Which was hard, at first, because he so rarely called anyone but Sam and Jo really needed him, her almost-brother. Then, once when Dean was home, Mom smacked him upside the head and cussed him out for worrying her, and after that he called more. And somehow managed to upgrade himself from Jo's best friend's dumbass brother to just her best friend.

She thinks it happened around the same time Sam joined drama club.

_Winter, fifth grade_

They said it happened quick. That he probably didn't feel any pain.

Well, maybe he didn't, Jo thought bitterly, angrily, but what about the people he left behind?

Mom was different now.

Everything was different now.

Romance seemed stupider than ever, if all it left behind was a cold headstone and the smell of smoke and a promise that he hadn't felt any pain.

_Now_

College sucks. Jo wasn't lying when she talked to Dean. She only chose Stanford because she figured, if she had to go to college, she wanted to go with Sam. Which was probably stupid, because it's not like they're all that close anymore, but he's family, right?

Except now Sam's never around, except for when he comes over to be shy around Jess, who teases him mercilessly; but when Sam is gone she turns to Jo and, blushing, asks if Jo thinks Sam likes her. And somehow, it makes Jo resent the both of them a bit.

Classes are hard, and none of them are particularly interesting, though they're probably fascinating for people who are actually into human geography or modern lit or Europe in the Middle Ages or whatever. But Jo just feels like she's stupid and drowning in useless information.

Worse, though, are the people. Rich or nerds, sometimes both. The people Sam and Jess get along with, but who look down their noses at Jo's torn jeans and work boots, her cafeteria work-study job and the way she says "ain't" when she's upset.

One time, Jess has some friends over – gorgeous sorority girls with trust funds and Dean's list GPAs. Jo's ignoring them, cleaning her dad's knives again because she's fucking stressed by this bullshit, when one of the girls – Jennifer – says something.

"Oh my god, are those _knives_? You do know you can't have weapons in your room right? God, why do you even _have_ those?"

"They were my dad's," Jo answers tersely, looking to Jess for help. Jess looks lost. Silent and lost.

"What's he, a serial killer?" The girls all giggle. Jo glares. Jennifer wrinkles her nose and turns around. "God, Jess, how'd you get landed with some homicidal freak of a roommate?"

The next day, an RA comes to inspect the room for weapons. Dad's knives are hidden in Jess' car, Jess' way of apologizing, Jo supposes.

Jennifer doesn't get invited back to the room, but Jo still sees Jess hanging out with her sometimes. It's totally tenth-grade-Sam's fault that she can't help but think, _dear Galinda you are just too good; how do you stand it?_

_Summer, eighth grade_

Bela Talbot was back in town, which always made Mom bitchy, just because Bobby and Bela were probably sleeping together, which, ew.

Every guy Jo had ever met thought Bela was hot and sexy and whatever. Bobby. Dean. Even Sam. And Jo was just as fascinated by Bela as the rest of them, hung on every word of her British accent (which was totally exotic for Lawrence okay). Jo had once made Bela smile that beautiful shark grin and she had floated for the rest of the day.

She knew Dean probably thought there was something more to it than that, that Jo was like a lesbian or something (and a part of her resentfully thought that Dean just didn't want to be the only gay-or-whatever kid in the whole damn town). But Jo just thought Bela was fascinating, which was different. That wasn't weird, right?

_Now_

After what Jo refers to as the "Jennifer incident," Jess starts hanging out with Jo more, and not in the we're-roommates-so-we-see-each-other-all-the-time way, but like the we're-actually-friends-who-go-out-and-do-shit-together way.

Apparently, besides looking like a goddess, Jess is also an amazing human being. She's pre-med, but she's considering getting a nursing degree after undergrad instead of going to medical school, because there's a shortage of nurses and she's just a fucking saint like that. She's kind and optimistic when Jo says she's not sure what she wants to go for ("Whatever you decide, I'm sure you'll be brilliant at it") and she even does her best to help Jo with her homework.

Jess introduces Jo to fancy coffee – it's gross and Jess just laughs and shakes her head when Jo says she'll just take her coffee black and tasting like coffee, thanks. Jo tries to teach Jess how to throw knives, but after Jess manages to cut off a chunk of her own hair, they give it up pretty quickly. To make up for it, Jo finds a small-town roadside diner, almost a forty-five minute drive from school, and introduces Jess to the wonders of roadhouses and of burgers that remind Jo powerfully of home.

Jess' smile is better than the burgers. In fact, Jo thinks, Jess is easily the best thing about Stanford.

_Christmas, eleventh grade_

It was Christmas night, and everyone was over at Bobby's for Christmas dinner, and by everyone, Jo meant herself, her mom, and the Winchesters. Duh. Everyone was at Bobby's because Christmas was just better at Bobby's. And also because keeping him busy with family and food kept him from getting drunk over missing Karen during the holidays.

That's what family's for, right?

Mom and Bobby were in the kitchen arguing over pies and pretending that Ellen wasn't probably staying over tonight, which, ew; Sam and John were washing dishes in stony silence after another fight about college (ruined the turkey afor everyone else nd what the hell, college was still more than a year away). Which left Jo with Dean in the living room trying to eat an entire apple pie before either Mom or Bobby realized it was even missing. This required very little talking. Or, at least it did until Jo asked, "How did you know you liked guys?"

Dean choked on his pie and gave Jo his second-worst glare (it was the one reserved especially for people who fucked with the eating of pie; the worst was reserved especially for people who fucked with Sammy). Jo just shrugged at him, trying to be nonchalant and probably failing completely.

Finally, Dean sighed and said, "I dunno. Probably the same way I figured out I liked girls. I just did." Her disappointment must've shown on her face, because Dean continued with a hurried smile, trying to joke her out of it. "Okay, you are never to reveal this to another soul – but in sixth grade, I totally had a crush on Dr. Sexy."

Jo snorted and shoved him. "Don't be stupid, Dean. You still have a crush on Dr. Sexy."

_Now_

College is awful and horrible and Jo is so done with this _bullshit_.

She tells Dean as much and he just asks if she's gonna come back next semester; when she says no, he tells her she's always welcome to ride along with him for a couple months while she figures shit out and avoids the wrath of her mother.

When she tells Sam, he tells her that she's just stressed because of finals.

"No, I'm not, Sam, which you would fucking know if you'd actually bothered to talk to me at all this semester. I hate it here, and I'm done."

"Don't be stupid, Jo, you can't drop out – "

"Well, obviously I _am_ stupid, otherwise I wouldn't be so close to flunking out anyway," Jo retorts, and stomps out of Sam's room before he can say anything else.

She doesn't tell Jess. Sam does. Because Dean's right, and Sam is a little bitch.

"Sam says you're dropping out," Jess says quietly one night halfway through finals week. They're curled up next to each other on Jo's bed, surrounded by textbooks and notebooks and empty cardboard coffee cups.

Jo purses her lips. "Yeah, well, it's not like this is really working out, you know that."

And Jess does, Jo's told her a thousand times how much she hates it here, Jess must know it's just better for Jo to leave while she still can. But what Jess says is, "I mean, I know you're having a hard time, but – is there really nothing worth staying for?" And her eyes are big and searching, and Jo can't hold her gaze, and drops her eyes instead to her modern lit notes.

"Not really. I suck at school, and it's not like I have any friends." She chances a look at Jess' face, and the expression is so obviously hurt that Jo doesn't know what to do, but the tears pricking at the back of her eyes make her angry. "Oh, come on, don't. You've got Jennifer and company and all your science nerd friends and Sam's the only other person here who even gives a shit about my existence, and you've got him, too, so just _don't_, okay?"

Jess sits frozen for a moment, before her face goes hard and cold. "Fine," she says, and starts to gather her books with unwarranted violence. "Fine. Just leave, then. Just quit, throw it away, don't even try – "

"I _did_ try, Jess, that's not fair – "

"I don't care. Just go. Fine." And with that, Jess shoves all her books in her bag and leaves, slamming the door on the way out.

Between finals and avoiding each other, Jo doesn't see her roommate again before she leaves Stanford.

_Spring, twelfth grade_

The week before prom, Pam Barnes decided that she and her friends (all gazillion of them) were way too cool for that shit, and thus she had to throw an alternate prom-slash-after prom party (the slash-after prom was because half her friends _were_ going to the prom and just showed up at Pam's afterward anyway). It was kinda boring, but not too bad, as far as parties went. Jo just mostly wished Dean were there so she could get away with being anti-social.

Sometime after midnight, bored and a bit buzzed from the clearly spiked punch, Jo found herself talking to Pam, which somehow led to agreeing to make out with Pam, because really, that was just how conversations with Pam went sometimes. Which was fine, until people started wolf-whistling, at which point Jo was obligated to break it off, scowl, and stalk to the corner where Ava and Sarah were hiding and giggling over who knew what.

"Whoa, Jo, that was hot," Sarah said with a grin when Jo reached them.

Jo just rolled her eyes. "Glad you thought so. Didn't do anything for me."

Ava looked at her, big eyes going even bigger in disbelief, until she looked like a damn Disney character or something. "How did that not do anything for you? Pam did that to me in tenth grade and I was gay for like a week after."

Sarah snorted a laugh and Jo raised an eyebrow. "Guess I missed the memo or something."

Ava just shook her head like it was the saddest thing she'd ever heard. "Or maybe you're just tragically sexless," and gave an exaggerated sigh.

_Now_

Jo doesn't go roadtripping with Dean. Instead, John Winchester dies and Sam almost drops out of Stanford because he can't afford it even on scholarship, what with cost of living and all, but instead Dean sells their house and moves to Indiana to sell insurance and stops calling, and Sam stays in school.

And Jo is left alone in Kansas with a mother who goes from being irate at Jo dropping out to being a bit too understanding in a matter of weeks. Jo lives at home and works at the Roadhouse and ignores the fact that Bobby and her mother are dating publicly now, all formal and serious-like.

In the spring, Jo joins the Lawrence Volunteer Fire Department, which leads to an epic argument with Mom, because doesn't Jo remember how her father died, and is she gonna make Ellen lose her, too? And Jo yelling back that she just wants to do something _good_, something _worthwhile_ and in the back of her mind she thinks about Jess wanting to be a nurse instead of a doctor.

_Summer, after graduation_

Two weeks into the summer, Mom hosted a joint graduation party for Jo and Sam at the Roadhouse. Even though the two of them had sorta drifted apart over the last four years, everyone pretended not to notice, because they were still family, dammit, and family sticks together. It wasn't much of a party, family mostly, and a few kids from school. And Ash. Who had apparently gotten kicked out of MIT for fighting. Go figure.

Jo and Dean were being their typical party-grouch selves, sitting on the ground behind the Roadhouse, backs against the building, listening to the music drifting out the window, not saying much. _REO Speedwagon_ started playing and, on a whim, Jo turned slightly and kissed Dean.

He kissed her back. Kinda. It was short and chaste and absolutely never happening again. Ever. Ugh.

"Uh, Jo?" Dean asked gently when she pulled back. "What the fuck?"

"If I liked guys at all, I should like you, right?" Jo demanded, leaning back against the wall again in frustration. "I mean, it makes sense. You're my best friend, even though you're a total dick, and you're objectively hot – "

"I'm also practically your _brother_, you weirdo," Dean interrupted.

"I just," Jo let out a strangled noise (which she personally thought was an excellent impression of a dying cat). "I don't think I like guys."

There was a long silence, and then Dean spoke way more gently than he ever did to her. "Jo – you know we won't care, right? That I won't care. If you're gay."

Jo shook her head and blinked back tears. "I don't think I'm gay. I don't think I'm anything."

_Now_

It's Thanksgiving, and Sam and Dean are home for the first time in ages – Sam lives in Palo Alto, now, has an apartment with his friend Brady and everything. Dean hates his job, and it takes him almost a whole day to warm up to being back to his normal self, which would worry Jo more if she weren't distracted by the fact that Jess is here.

Apparently, Sam and Jess are still going steady almost a year later, as in steady enough to _bring Jess home for Thanksgiving without telling Jo_.

There's some awkward staring when the California kids first arrive Tuesday night, some shuffling and mumbled greetings. Sam has his big innocent puppydog eyes on and Jo kinda wants to punch him in his adorable face, but she's pretty sure she can't reach anymore.

On Wednesday afternoon, though, Jo and Jess suddenly find themselves alone in the kitchen washing dishes, their silence louder than the running water, until Jess turns to Jo and blurts out, "I'm sorry!"

Jo blinks. "For what?"

"For everything. For not telling you I was coming, Sam was so stupid about it, and for not talking to you after you left and for being mean to you about leaving and hell for not standing up for you to Jennifer more – "

"Jesus, Jess, stop, just stop," Jo says, panicking a bit because Jess looks so genuinely upset about it, and reaches out a soapy hand to Jess' arm on instinct. "Just – I'm sorry, too. For telling you that you weren't enough."

Jess grins and her eyes are shining with something that Jo's not gonna call tears but are definitely tears and she flings her arms around Jo, dish towel whacking Jo in the back of the head.

"Oof," Jo says, eloquently, then hesitantly wraps her arms around Jess' waist.

Jess laughs into Jo's shoulder. "Fuck, I've missed you so much."

_Fall, freshman year_

Jo seriously wished that Jess and Sam would grow a mutual spine and ask each other out already because seriously hanging out with them now was like being the world's most awkward third wheel. Or fourth wheel, in this case, she guessed – at least she had Brady to get her through tonight's awkward flirting session. Brady and mutual eye-rolling and alcohol.

But that did not make up for the awkwardness that happened when everybody started talking about sex and losing V-cards. Jess had bawdier sense of humor than anyone expected from her pretty face, and Brady liked to encourage her while Sam protested and blushed like a schoolgirl, until Jo _had_ to step in, for the boy's own honor.

"Oh, stop it Sam, your face is like a virgin on his wedding night, and virgin you are not."

"Jo – " Sam tried, shocked that she would pull the childhood friends card here.

Jo just rolled her eyes. "Please." Turning to the others, she said, "It's not even a good story, I don't know why he's being such a baby. He lost it to our friend Sarah after junior prom. They'd been dating for like four months, and I swear it was probably the best night of her life, the way she talked – did you know, in kindergarten she wanted to marry you?"

Sam just sputtered, while Brady chuckled, and Jess grinned and called Sam a teenage cliché. Sam, when he became coherent enough, retaliated by blurting out, "Well, yeah, but Jo's never been past first base," which shut everyone up pretty good.

From Brady's face, Jo guessed she was supposed to be embarrassed, but she wasn't. She shrugged. "And?"

"Are you serious?" Brady asked. Jess shoved him, with an apologetic glance to Jo.

"Yeah?" Jo said, defiant, "I've just never felt like doing any of that, so what."

"Sweetheart," Brady said, leaning towards her and leering in a way Jo didn't like, "You don't know what you're missing." And then his hand was on her thigh and moving upward.

So Jo dumped the rest of her beer on his head. "I think I'm good, thanks," she said, her voice chilly.

Brady swore and jumped to his feet, stalking out of the room muttering about "frigid bitches," followed closely by a confused and apologetic Sam (Jo wasn't really sure who he was apologizing to). Jess grabbed some paper towels and helped Jo clean up, before handing Jo another beer.

They spent the rest of the evening braiding each other's hair, Jo silently hoping she hadn't just killed Jess' chances with Sam. Even if she only hoped half-heartedly.

_Now_

It starts because Jo's bored, because seriously, everyone cool has left Lawrence. And it's not like she and Jess have nothing in common – okay, they don't have anything in common, but they get along ridiculously well, still do, in spite of the eleven months without speaking to each other.

So somehow their weekly phone conversations become daily phone conversations and jacking up Mom's long-distance bill and chains of emails and telling each other everything.

Jess is the first one to hear about Mom and Bobby's engagement, though Jo makes her promise to pretend not to know until she gets around to telling the Winchesters. Jo is the first one to hear about Jess and Sam's relationship problems (probably before Sam, unfortunately), about how Jess is afraid Sam's more in love with the _idea_ of her than actually her.

By the time Sam and Jess graduate from Stanford, Jess and Jo are best friends again, better than any friend Jo has ever had. In California for her friends' commencement, Jo spends more time with Jess than with Sam, which doesn't go unnoticed. When all the recent grads are at a party at Sam and Brady's place (and Jo still isn't Brady's biggest fan, but hey), Jo and Dean decide to catch up over beers in Dean's hotel room. Well, Jo's got beer; Dean still doesn't drink, so he's got a soda, and Jo can't help but think briefly on how bad John Winchester fucked up his kids.

"So, uh, you and Jess, huh?" Dean asks, not at all subtle. Jo kicks him from where she sits on his bed.

"What about me and Jess?"

"Are you two like, a thing?" When Jo just stares at him, Dean shrugs defensively and says, "What? You spend like all your time together and Sam got drunk the other night and told me that he thinks she left him for you."

"That's ridiculous," Jo says with a roll of her eyes, because it is. "Jess is straight and I'm…" She trails off, biting her lip. "Well, I'm not gay, so." Dean still doesn't say anything, and she starts to get uncomfortable. "I don't want to sleep with her, if that's what you mean."

"'Course not, you're you," Dean says with a wave of his hand, like that's obvious. "I guess I was just wondering."

They lapse into silence for a bit, before Jo says, "I just want to be around her, you know?"

"Yeah," Dean says, his face suddenly solemn and far away. Jo thinks of the only person she's ever seen Dean wear that face for, and wonders briefly if he's thinking of Cas. "I know."

_Spring 2004_

_"Hey, it's me. There's…I mean, I just found something you might be interested in, I don't know, maybe I'm being stupid. Anyway, call me."_

Jess' tone in the voicemail had Jo frowning with how off it sounded.

"Hey, you, everything okay?"

_"Oh, hey, Jo, yeah, everything's fine. You got my message?"_

"Yeah, what's up?"

_"Do you have access to the internet right now?"_

"Mhmm, give me a second." Jo lodged the phone between her ear and her shoulder and wandered to the den to sit down at her mom's ancient desktop (really, a Windows98? They were gonna have to get a new one someday). When the internet finally loaded, she said, "Okay, got it."

_"Alright, so I was googling something for a lab earlier, and I came across this website and it kinda made me think of you? If I'm wrong, don't hate me okay, just – "_

"Jess, just spit it out," Jo laughed. For someone who was so confident with everyone else, Jess was always worried about hurting or offending Jo, maybe a side effect of the fact that, after their only fight, they'd gone nearly a year without speaking.

_"Okay. ."_

"Asexuality?" Jo asked, frowning even as she typed it in. "What is this, some kind of bio web – " Jo fell silent when the page actually loaded, shades of purple and gray filling her screen. _AVEN: Asexuality Visibility and Education Network_.

_"Jo?"_ Jess' voice was nervous. _"You okay?"_

"'Asexual: A person who does not experience sexual attraction,'" Jo read aloud.

_"Yeah,"_ Jess said quietly. _"I'd never heard of it either."_

"It's real?" And no, Jo's voice wasn't cracking on those words.

_"It's real_," Jess confirmed, and Jo had the strangest feeling that Jess knew exactly how much this meant to her.

"I have to go," Jo said faintly, her eyes already drinking in everything on the page.

_"Call me later?"_

"Yeah," Jo answered vaguely, and hung up.

_Now_

"So, San Francisco and nursing school?" Jo asks the night before Dean's supposed to drive her back to Lawrence, her legs in Jess' lap where they're snuggled up on her couch, staring out at her half-emptied apartment. Jess moves at the end of the week.

"Yeah," Jess says quietly, sounding less than enthused.

"That'll be awesome, right?" Jo prompts, trying to be encouraging. "New place, new people, etcetera, etcetera."

"Yeah," Jess says again, and silence sets in, heavy and sad for some reason Jo can't name, until Jess blurts out, "Will you come with me?"

Jo tenses, blinking over at Jess, who's staring at her with the kind of wide-eyed earnestness Jo usually associates with Sam's face. "What?"

Jess bites her lip and looks away, one hand nervously fiddling with Jo's pant leg. "I know it's a lot to ask and I shouldn't but I just…I'm scared of going alone and I really miss you and we did okay when we lived together the first time, right? And I know you have your life in Lawrence and your mom and I don't know, it's stupid, nevermind, forget I ever –"

"Jess," Jo interrupts.

"Yeah?"

"Yes."

Jess looks up so fast Jo swears the girl gives herself whiplash.

"Really?"

"Yes."

_Autumn 2009_

"D'you think we should get a house?" Jess asked idly one morning, flipping through the real estate section of their local paper as she ate her cereal.

Jo froze. "What?"

Jess shrugged. "I'm just getting a little sick of renting apartments, you know? And I'm done with school, I've got a steady job, you're Third Chief at the firehouse now, we could totally afford it, even with my loans." She turned the page and shoved a spoonful of Cheerios in her mouth. "Ooh, we could have a white picket fence, just to piss off Dean!"

"Jess – " Jo cut off, heart beating fast and unsure of how she wanted to say this.

"What?" Jess looked up, concern clouding her face. "Do you – do you not want to get a house? I mean, the apartment's fine, I just thought – "

"I'm not in love with you," Jo blurted, even though that wasn't what she meant to say.

Jess frowned. "I know, I don't expect you to be, but what – "

"I just – I don't know what you're expecting, getting a house? A house is something permanent, and this – we're – not."

"What do you mean, we're not permanent," Jess demanded, putting down the paper, looking hurt and confused. "What the hell does that mean? Is this – am – are we not enough?"

"No, of course – it's enough for me, but for you?" Jo almost wanted to laugh at the idea. Would have laughed, if that same idea didn't keep her up at night, wondering how long this could last. "We're _friends_, Jess, that's it. You're straight, you're normal, and someday you're gonna have a husband and kids and me, I'm not – I can't _be_, I'm never gonna want that or have that –" _I'm still the freak with the knife collection_.

"Me either," Jess interrupted, pushing back her chair and standing. There was an odd look on her face. "That's not what I want either. This is.

"Jo, what do you think this is, some kind of temporary thing? We've been living together for three years, you've been my primary relationship the whole time, and that's not gonna change. I love you, you know that, you're way more important than any guy, I don't care, and you _are_ normal, being aromantic or asexual or any of that doesn't make you somehow not good enough or something, okay?" Jess waited until Jo had taken a deep breath and nodded before stepping forward and wrapping her arms around Jo, who was still clutching a half-full cup of coffee. "So if you wanna stay, this _is_ a permanent thing."

"You can't promise that," Jo mumbled into Jess' hair, even as she set down the mug to reach both arms around her friend.

"Yes, I can," Jess mumbled right back before pulling away. Smiling, she brushed a strand of hair out of Jo's face. "So, can we please get a house? Because I lied, I'm totally sick of apartments."

_Now_

Jo's listening to an old CD Mom sent her, singing along quietly as she chops up peppers for tonight's dinner, when Jess gets home from work.

_"My face is flushing, oh what is this feeling? Fervid as a flame, does it have a name?"_

"So it wasn't just Sam who went through a musical theatre phase, I see," Jess says, amused. Jo blushes and hastily switches off the old boombox next to her on the counter.

"Mom sent me the CD, I just – oh, fine, I still know all the words, _Wicked_ is still the best, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah," Jess grins and, dropping her purse by the door, comes over to lean her chin on Jo's shoulder, one arm around Jo's waist. "So there's this data entry temp at work, right?" she says, reaching over Jo's shoulder to steal a bit of raw pepper, ignoring as Jo tries to slap her hand away. "History major or something. And she was asking about me and you, because apparently all those gossip whores – " and Jo has to snort a laugh, because Jess is the biggest gossip whore at the hospital " – tried and failed to explain our fabulous and superior relationship, and so I told her, and she was like, 'Oh, you mean like a Boston marriage?' So I asked what the hell that meant – " Jess steals another pepper " – and apparently women in the nineteenth century did exactly this, all the time." Jess pauses, and Jo can practically hear her frown, "Except, okay, some of them were probably totally having lesbian sex and just no one caught on because it was the nineteenth century," and Jo laughs again.

They're quiet for a bit, Jo moving on to chopping up onions, while Jess continues to be a useless, pepper-stealing cuddlemonster, and Jo says, "Boston marriage, huh? I like it."

"Easier to say than _queerplatonic life partners_," Jess remarks, and Jo rolls her eyes.

"Yeah, yeah. Just for that, I'm turning _Wicked_ back on."


End file.
